Well, I'm mainly here to rant. I've got a Twilight rant and several Twilight essays up my sleeves, but those can wait for another day. In the meantime, I'm ranting in the form of a play. It is a play about a popular Mary Sue, making fun of her. Well, here we go.Shizue Chronicles: The Life of a Mary Sue
A Play
By Alicia Rivers
Based on the tasteless, poorly written characters by Marina Muller
Cast of characters
The Asahi clan
Asahi Shizue, a Mary Sue
Shiomi Daizuke, distant cousin to Shizue
Ahisa Keiko, cousin to Shizue
Hishida Akio, distant cousin to Shizue
Hishida Sachi, distant cousin to Shizue
Ichiro Amaya, cousin to Shizue
Asahi Kenichi, father to Shizue
Asahi Kaori, mother to Shizue
Team 8
Inuzuka Kiba, a dogboy never seen without his dog Akamaru
Aburame Shino, a quiet, reclusive bug wielder
Hoshino Natsuko, a girl with an interest in the unknown
Other Konoha shinobi
Mitarashi Anko, a seemingly crazy jounin
Tsunade, fifth Hokage of Konohagakure
Other important shinobi
Kokishin Akane, a catgirl from Kumo, later falls in love with Kiba
Kakuzu, Akatsuki’s money-loving zombie
Hidan, a scythe-wielding vampire, Kakuzu’s partner, worships the fake god Jashin
Uchiha Sasuke, traitor to Konoha
Orochimaru, leader of Otogakure
Yakushi Kabuto, Orochimaru’s right-hand man
Setting
The play takes place in the Asahi clan home, in Konoha, and in the area around.
Act 1
Scene 1
(We see a large compound of buildings amid a forested area. Amidst the streets of the compound, several skanky-looking, baby-blue-clad people are milling around. This is the Asahi clan, an independent ninja clan that owns a popular beer brewery. This clan has five families, that form an acronym to spell out the name Asahi: Asahi, Shiomi, Ahisa, Hishida, and Ichiro. This is because we can’t let them suffer the same fate as the Uchiha and Kaguya clans. More importantly, the Asahi clan is also the single biggest group of followers of the cult of Jashin, a fake god who only seems to be pleased when his followers are ranting on and on about him all day. They even use the insignia of Jashin as the clan crest. Because of the tenets of Jashinism, they are not allowed into any shinobi village. They therefore make money by brewing beer.)
(Cut to a stately structure at the center of the compound. Screams and cries can be heard from within. A small boy stands beside the shoji, listening in on the sounds. This is Shiomi Daizuke, a close friend to his cousin, the Asahi heiress.)
Kenichi: (from indoors) What is the matter with you? I’ve told you a thousand times that you must follow the ways of Jashin-sama! You are unfit to succeed me as clan head!
Shizue: (from indoors) No, Father! I’ll be the best clan leader ever! We can do great things without a stupid fake god!
Kenichi: (from indoors) Such blasphemy! And from my own daughter, too! You will pay dearly for speaking that way about Jashin-sama!
Shizue: (screaming) No, Father, please! No!
(Her voice ends in a shrill, terrifying scream. The sound of a whip or a hard object making contact with human flesh is heard. Daizuke begins to cry.)
Daizuke: I pity you, Shizue-chan. I wish I were in there, being beaten and tortured at the hands of Kenichi-sama, instead of you. But you just don’t understand. Shizue-chan, you need to stop resisting and follow Jashin-sama. You don’t have to do all the rituals and sacrifices entailed in the Book of Jashin, as long as you pray to Jashin-sama and ask him for help when you need it.
(The sound of stomping feet is heard, followed by pained, choked sobs.)
Daizuke: No matter what happens, Shizue-chan, I will protect you as much as I can. May Jashin-sama watch over you and help you mercilessly kill those who dare harm you.
Scene 2
(In the parlor of the Asahi manor. Some years have passed, and Shizue is now twelve years old. Kenichi is sitting in the parlor, speaking to two men dressed in black cloaks with red clouds. This is the “zombie duet” of Akatsuki: Hidan and Kakuzu.)
Kakuzu: How big did you say this dowry was again?
Kenichi: One hundred million yen, plus ten times the weight of both of you in gold, silver, jewels, and valuables.
Kakuzu: Count me in!
Hidan: Why, you (censored)! I’m the (censored) one who’s getting (censored) married here! Why the (censored) should you get the (censored) dowry if you’re not the (censored) groom?
(Kakuzu reaches in his pocket and produces a clove of garlic. He shoots out several tentacles and shoves the clove of garlic into Hidan’s mouth as he rants.)
Hidan: It’s only (censored) fair that I sh—
(He is cut off when the clove of garlic is force-fed to him. He tries to cuss out Kakuzu through the mouthful of garlic, but fails miserably.)
Hidan: Mmmmfffff!
Kakuzu: Shut up or I’ll drive a stake through your heart after we leave.
Kenichi: I trust you will use the dowry wisely, Kakuzu-sama.
Kakuzu: No worries, Kenichi-sama. I will keep it safe. So where is this bride Hidan came to claim, anyway? I’d never have imagined him getting married. He always brings home whores from some crappy bar and then sacrifices them because that da—your god supposedly likes them.
Kenichi: My daughter? She is in her room, preparing to meet with us.
(Enter Hishida Akio and his younger sister Sachi.)
Kenichi: Sachi, Akio, go and fetch Shizue. She should be ready by now. (to Hidan) Jashin-sama has truly blessed me with your offer for Shizue’s hand in marriage. You will be able to teach her lessons that I, a mere human, have failed to.
(Sachi and Akio bow respectfully to Kenichi. Exit both via a staircase.)
Hidan: (spits out particles of garlic and saliva) Yuck! (Censored) Kakuzu, always (censored) making me (censored) eat that (censored), disgusting garlic!
Kenichi: Hidan-sama, Jashin-sama would not be pleased with your decision to ignore me when I address you.
Hidan: What the (censored)? Oh, Jashin-sama, forgive me, please! (to Kenichi) Yes, your daughter is a lucky one indeed. Perhaps I won’t sacrifice her like the others. I shall enjoy teaching her the price of defying the great Jashin-sama—almost as much as I’ll enjoy her. I should like to meet her.
(Enter Sachi. She bows deeply.)
Sachi: Shizue-sama is here, Kenichi-sama.
(Enter Shizue, descending the staircase. Akio follows behind her. She certainly doesn’t look ready to go outside her bedroom, let alone in public. She is wearing a slutty-looking baby-blue top and skirt set that is hardly worthy to be called clothing. Seeing Hidan, she freezes, her face filled with trepidation.)
Hidan: (stares at Shizue, drooling and nosebleeding) So this is your daughter, Kenichi-sama?
Kenichi: Yes, it is. Shizue, come here.
(Shizue tentatively approaches her father. She is clearly afraid of Hidan and Kakuzu.)
Shizue: I’m sorry I’m late, Father. I needed a new pair of water balloons. Why are these men here?
Kenichi: (proudly) You’re a lucky girl today, Shizue. (gestures to Hidan) Hidan-sama here has asked for your hand in marriage.
Shizue: (horrified) What?
Kenichi: (beaming) I’ve made all the arrangements, and it’s settled. The wedding will be here, immediately after your sixteenth birthday.
(Hidan gets up from his chair and pulls Shizue into a suggestive embrace. She gives a yelp.)
Hidan: Jashin-sama truly has blessed me. (smirks, revealing his oddly sharp canines to Shizue) I’m really very… tempted… (to Kenichi) May I enjoy her tonight, Kenichi-sama?
Kenichi: Not just yet, Hidan-sama. I want to make sure she can bear great children of Jashin for you. You may help yourself to her on her sixteenth birthday, however.
Shizue: (aside) A fang?
(Hidan lowers his head towards Shizue’s low-cut neckline. She feels his lips and teeth brush her neck.)
Shizue: You’re… you’re… you’re a vampire…
(Hidan smirks and moves his lips to Shizue’s ear.)
Hidan: Not just any vampire, little (censored). Jashin-sama appeared to me in a dream almost three hundred years ago and told me that one day I will be the greatest of all vampires!
Kakuzu: Most annoying of all vampires is more like it.
(Hidan promptly drops Shizue on the floor and whirls around to face Kakuzu.)
Hidan: Why, you (censored) son of a—mmmmffffffffff! (He is cut off by Kakuzu stuffing another clove of garlic into his mouth. Cut to Shizue getting to her feet.)
Shizue: Why, Father?
Kenichi: It’s important that you marry well, Shizue. Jashin-sama is pleased with this match. You will bear great children of Jashin and make the Asahi clan stronger.
Shizue: But I don’t want to marry Hidan-sama!
Kenichi: That makes little difference. Go upstairs to your room; I will send for some of your cousins to start fitting your bridal gown.
Shizue: (sadly) Yes, Father.
(Exit Shizue via the staircase.)
Kakuzu: Now, about that dowry…
Scene 3
(In a large bedroom. There is a window with a panoramic view above the futon in the right-hand corner. An ebony wardrobe marked with the Jashin symbol is standing against the wall, a large mirror beside it. Cut to Shizue standing in front of the mirror. Two fair-haired, skanky-looking girls are trying to dress her in a long white garment. These are Ahisa Keiko and Ichiro Amaya, both Shizue’s cousins.)
Amaya: Hold still, Shizue-sama! We’re almost finished.
Keiko: This is the last layer. Just hang in there; we’ll have you dressed.
Shizue: (aside) Did my mother seriously get into this… thing in order to marry my father? This is ridiculous!
Amaya: Keiko, go get the veil and the obi. I’ll fix Shizue-sama’s hair. (She picks up a hairbrush and starts working on Shizue’s hair.)
Keiko: That should be on correctly now. (She turns around to gather more long fabric that is spread neatly across the futon.)
Shizue: If I must marry against my will, shouldn’t I at least pick my own wedding gown?
Amaya: (styling Shizue’s hair) Shizue-sama, you know that whatever your father says goes.
Shizue: Well, I’m sick of it! I’m not going to worship Jashin and I’m not going to marry that awful vampire!
(Amaya almost drops her hairbrush. Keiko gasps.)
Keiko: Jashin-sama and your father wouldn’t be pleased to hear you say that.
Amaya: (pulling Shizue’s hair up into a neat bun) I wish you would be careful what you say, Shizue-sama. There, that should do it.
Shizue: Finally!
(She starts inching toward the door as fast as she can.)
Keiko: Wait! I haven’t tied your obi yet! And you need a veil!
Amaya: Keiko is right, Shizue-sama. Just hold still, it won’t take long.
(Shizue looks back at Keiko, who is coming with a piece of baby-blue fabric as wide as the room. Amaya is holding a long white veil. As Keiko and Amaya approach her, she starts backing up quickly, but trips and falls due to the lack of walking room her kimono offers.)
Shizue: Ow! No way am I wearing that!
Keiko: (helping Shizue to her feet) But you must!
(She starts tying the obi around Shizue’s waist. Shizue sighs and stands still.)
Amaya: (putting the veil on Shizue’s head) Thank goodness we’re finally finished!
Keiko: You look lovely, Shizue-sama!
Amaya: You’d better hurry. We don’t want Kenichi-sama to be too angry.
(They escort Shizue down the hall toward her parents’ bedchamber.)
Shizue: (aside) Why me?
Scene 4
(Just outside the Asahi compound. A hooded figure is leading Shizue away from the compound and toward the forests of the Land of Fire.)
Shizue: Mother, I can’t thank you enough for this!
(The hooded figure puts a finger to her lips. She leads Shizue into the forest, and at a safe distance, drops her hood, revealing Kaori, Kenichi’s wife.)
Kaori: Stay quiet, Shizue-chan. We’re not safe yet. I don’t think vampires usually come into these forests to hunt, but nonetheless, we must be cautious. Here, put this on. (She hands Shizue a loose burlap hooded cloak.)
Shizue: Keep it. I don’t need it.
Kaori: Shizue-chan, you’ll catch cold. And when we get where we’re going, I’ll buy you some proper shinobi attire. And you’ll have to stop wearing those ridiculous water balloons down your shirt. They could pop at any time.
Shizue: But Mother, then I won’t look beautiful!
Kaori: Shh!
Shizue: Oops. Sorry.
Kaori: Come along, Shizue-chan. Let’s go. (aside) Kenichi, please understand that I have done this for her own good!
(Exit Kaori and Shizue. Shortly after, we see a bush rustle. Enter Daizuke.)
Daizuke: You can’t leave without me, Shizue-chan! I’m coming with you!
(He leaves.)
End of Act 1
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
cold
pissed off
devious